Sometimes when someone is being defensive, they are in pain or discomfort and the only way they know how to deal with that discomfort or pain is to discharge it as an attack back on us. We may have done or said something to trigger them, we may have simply expressed how we felt or communicated a boundary. When someone attacks, as uncomfortable as it is to receive, the behaviour they are projecting is about and from them, it’s not about us. Much is the same when we are being defensive and feel the urge to attack or vent on someone else. That is was we are projecting, it’s not really about the other person. Everyone is just doing their best with the skills and experience they have. When we see this, when we understand this, whilst is doesn’t change what is happening or what has happened, we can have a change in perspective. Perspective changes are what can change our feelings, they unlock a way for the discomfort or upset to leave us. When we are being attacked it’s from defensiveness.