Boundary Basics

Boundaries are our own needs being non-negotiable. The first step in setting up boundaries is to know where our limits are. Then we need to learn the skill of saying no to choosing other people’s comfort ahead of our own needs. We set boundaries out of respect for ourselves not to offend other people. There are different boundary types. Sexual: Touch and activity; Mental: Thoughts, values, opinions; Physical: Personal space, privacy, body; Emotional: Separating our feelings from others; Spiritual: Our beliefs and topics of discussion and Material: giving or lending things.

It is important to learn and understand that we will not be able to get what we want while trying to make other people happy. This isn’t selfish, it prevents resentment. We can choose discomfort over resentment. We can resist the urge to avoid discomfort, this is part of being human. Learning to tolerate it and in time embrace it, helps us become less affected by it. We can practise saying no more. We can choose not to be people pleasers. People pleasing to make connections works in the short term but becomes a problem long term with a loss of our identity and being inauthentic. We can’t put everyone else’s life ahead of our own and think that counts as love, it’s not. Conditional love and boundaries are not the same thing. We don’t have to settle for less than we deserve just because it’s available. We should never apologise to others for their misunderstanding of who we are. Sometimes we do not enforce or communicate boundaries out of fear of rejection. Self-abandonment will eventually hurt more than being rejected by others. Sometimes we don’t enforce or communicate boundaries because we sometimes find it easier to live disappointed than feel disappointed. Learning to appreciate feeling 30 seconds of discomfort is better than enduring many day’s worth of resentment is growth.

We know we are creating boundaries when speaking up for ourselves becomes part of our routine, expressing our needs and wants feel like a right and not selfish, we stop fearing other people’s reactions to our boundaries because they are in place to conserve our own well being and when something does feel uncomfortable we walk away.

#boundaries #boundarybasics #resentment

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